Hello, my name is Cassie. I am 27 years young. I was born in Moscow, Russia, and adopted by American parents from an orphanage there when I was one. I have gone through a lot of childhood trauma growing up, but my parents weren’t always abusive. Struggles came along. Loss has been a big part of our story, and coping healthily has not been our strong suit.
My mother’s mom (my grandma) and brother (my uncle) passed away three months apart while I was young, and my family did their best with what they knew. Mental health deterioration, violence, and addiction became very prevalent shortly after. My mom and dad were just trying to stay afloat both mentally and financially. Growing up was tough, and after trying to understand things on my own, I’ve learned to forgive, and I love them very dearly.
At the age of 16, I was a runaway and constantly in trouble, trying to find things and people to occupy my time and fill a void I would later come to realize only God could fill. I found myself in many situations, starting with witchcraft and drugs, which I deemed important and more exciting than anything.
By the age of 17, I was a menace to society, followed by incarceration and indefinitely became property of Allegan County Jail for approximately 10 months out of the year 2017. Upon release, I was sent to Harbor House in Holland, MI, which was a 90-day program for addiction recovery. By the age of 18, I had completed that program, a year and a half of sobriety. Before long, I found myself back in the same spot; I was using and filling voids.
I came into contact with this wonderful place called Wings of God. A friend of mine had offered to put in a good word for me. I came here at the age of 18, just turning 19, and lasted 4 months. Upon leaving due to personal reasons, I still attended meetings, and I ended up finding a wonderful man whom I then had two beautiful sons with and became married. Unfortunately, I hadn’t realized the pain that life would throw at me. The loss of two very dear people in that time, and after I had my second son, it wasn’t long after I went back out and chose to fill that void and numb the pain of loss at the age of 21.
I left my family behind to allow my now ex-husband to be a single dad without any explanation, and left him wondering if I would make it back to see my children grow up. The only way I knew how to cope, or to not deal with disaster, was to use.
I really never got sober from the age of 21 to the age of 27, only a couple of weeks at a time. I lost jobs, I lost friends, I lost relationships, but I figured I’d already lost so much; what’s a few more. The most important things I lost that I held dearly were my sight of God and my sanity. I was there for my kids when I was sober, but even that became too painful.
Eventually, I got deeper into witchcraft and spent most of my time in oblivion, dancing with the devil. I found myself doing a tarot reading on a man who was a supervisor at my job. I thought, cool, just another curious mind. Little did I know that man would end up drugging me to the point of unconsciousness later that night and sexually assaulting me for what I believe to be hours. When I came to, it was all too real. It didn’t hit me until I arrived at work with a warning from my boss of the man. I just arrived at work, dazed and confused. There were many things to do after that, but all I knew was I needed a drink, and I needed to drown out what little sanity I had left.
I was homeless at this time, and a friend of mine offered to pay for some of the payment for my new apartment and be my cosigner. I was set. I moved in a week later, and I began drinking more than ever. Night terrors became a part of my sleeping regimen, and drinking became part of my solution. I quit my job and became a full-time drinker, missing out on days to see my kids, and broken promises of showing up became more and more. Before long, I stopped making rent and was evicted, leaving me homeless on the streets of downtown Kalamazoo.
Eventually, I found myself looking at prison time. I prayed to God that something radical had to happen, and I surrendered my life to Jesus in that jail cell. A week later, the court date appeared, and the case got dismissed for failure to appear on the other party. I was graced with a room to rent by someone I met in jail during that time, and I was there for 4 months drinking again. There was a constant reminder of what I didn’t have, in spite of having a roof over my head and food to eat. i didn’t have my children, and I had lost myself again, and most importantly, I felt I had failed God.
Here’s the thing: God has this funny way of showing up when you ask him to, and He did. Before long, I noticed God everywhere. Looking back, and even now, He is with me. I went to rehab, and from there I was accepted into Wings of God. I can’t help but think God isn’t finished with what He started in me then. So here I sit, grateful, and my soul can rest in a safe place, held by God and His grace. Today I surrender my will and my life to the care of God and step into the light of Christ so I can do His will for my good and His glory. Today I live free, and I am covered by the blood of Christ.